Are you Good Stubborn, or Bad Stubborn? (and is it Affecting Your Happiness?)

June 9, 2013

BOOM. Flashback: I slumped at my desk and reread my unsavoury email that I was about to send. High emotions clouded any hope for logic and justification levels became devastatingly impenetrable. Tempers between the two of us had finally reached boiling point, resulting in a breakdown of communication, and I was about to send a cutting message which would signal the end of a brilliant, but often fiery friendship.

Without hesitation; I pressed send. She responded with an equally as sharp reply and we terminated the friendship in undignified fashion.

Life felt a lot less beautiful.

The chapters that had been written in the previous years, were ripped up in a fickle blink of an eye.

The impending Facebook friend removal took place and it just felt wrong. So painfully and terribly wrong. I looked outside my office window and the cold, grey, rainy and miserable Newcastle weather seemed apt for the cruelty of the moment.

Days passed and I wondered if this really was the point of no return. Could I take back my words and eat humble pie? Maybe even bring myself to say the “S” word? Along with the many positives within the friendship, we constantly fought and rubbed one another up the wrong way, but this time it felt more serious, more sinister and sadly – it felt like a big mistake.

I have always been brutal with cutting people out of my life, when I feel like negative energy has naturally deemed them surplus to requirements. And I usually don’t give it a second thought as I feel like I have made the right choice. But not this time, this was just a big mess.

I don’t regret pressing send.

More on that later!

Good Stubborn Vs Bad Stubborn….

I’ve often been labelled as ‘stubborn’ by those who know me well and I used to wear it like a badge of honour. I now know that I was wrong to do so – well, at least 50% wrong. Good stubborn brings you positive things in life. Naysayers told me that I would never be able to travel the world indefinitely, whilst funding myself a few years ago and if it wasn’t for me being so stubborn – I wouldn’t be sitting on this plane right now and feeling excited about my next adventure. (It’s not that great though – I really need a wee, but the seatbelt sign is on).

Good stubborn has been known to help paralysis victims to walk again when many experts told them that it wasn’t possible.

Sylvester Stallone’s good stubborn attitude helped him go from being to a jobless bum, to a Hollywood legend.

The ability to not allow external influences and opinions negatively interfere with your own reality is a good trait and one that should indeed be celebrated from within.

Bad stubborn, on the other hand is cancerous to your soul. It hurts those around you, makes you less likeable and most importantly – it hurts you. I know this only too well. I never ever used to say “sorry” when I knew I should be and when I had done something wrong. I somehow thought it made me a stronger person, when in fact it made me weaker.

I remember how I’d think to myself; “you know that you were wrong there, but you still wouldn’t admit it. Why are you such an arsehole, Anthony!?” Bad stubborn breeds self-loathing and stops you getting invited to dinner parties with chocolate cake for dessert. Why would you do that to yourself?!

Why I don’t regret pressing send…

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and so on. During these years I had to deal with hearing from third party knowledge and spontaneous Facebook stalking (yeah, like you’ve never done it) about my old friend’s life. It cut like a knife to not know how she was and how life was treating her.

I even touched upon it in this post here, during my turmoil.

On several occasions I would click on her profile and compose a heartfelt message to her inbox. The content would always have the same message. Something like:

. This is so stupid and I miss you being in my life.

. I always thought we’d be mates until we are old and crinkly, and not being friends is sad and unecessary.

. I know we didn’t see eye to eye that day, but I’m truly sorry for what I said and if I could take it all back, I would fight 17 hungry Rotweiller’s and run naked around the Sistine chapel in order to do so. I’m truly sorry from my side with every fibre of my being. I hate that this has happened and what has become of us.

. If I die first; Ima come back and haunt your ass when you do the nasty.

I would always sign off with something like; “I totally understand if you don’t want to accept this, (translation: write back and love me, like I love you; you cold, callous bitch),and if you don’t reply. I know our bridges have been burnt and that this is a stab in the dark at best. Regardless, I love you and I am thankful that you were in my life, and I’m absolutely gutted that I don’t have the privilege to call you my friend anymore.”

I meant every word…yet I never pressed enter to send the email. Were the odds against me? Yes. But did I have anything to lose? Nope. But stubborn pride and the fear of rejection got the better of me on each occasion. It was a good few years for the ‘bad stubborn’ devil, as he licked his lips after another period of ‘success.’

I suffered in silence for years, sad in the knowledge that our own little ‘wolf pack’ had split for good.

BOOM. Second Flashback: Roughly two and a half years later and I’m sitting in my apartment in Bangkok. I open Facebook and I have a message from….yep, you guessed it. I wasn’t sure if I should open it in case there was some sort of ‘letter bomb’ Facebook application which I wasn’t aware of.

I opened up the email, not knowing what to expect and read the context of the message. My black little heart warmed up like fresh bread rising in the oven. It said how not being in each other’s life all this time is a massive waste etc and requested to draw a line under all the nonsense…pretty much everything I wanted to say. (She was the bigger man than I!)

It was without doubt my best moment of 2013 (and there have been enough for a lifetime). More emails were exchanged and a long overdue Skype chat commenced. It seemed that we had done a lot of growing up during our time apart. We had time for honest reflection on the demise of our friendship and had grown as individuals. As I always say; self-awareness is key.

Life felt a lot more beautiful.

I still don’t regret pressing ‘send’ on that fateful day. As painful as it was for both sides, the time (although two years was just torture) gave us an opportunity to become more spiritually aware and now the friendship is better than it ever was. Polished the good bits and got rid of the bad.

Fred the stubborn frog. What an absolute tinker!

Moral of the story…

Good stubborn is something to be proud of. Bad stubborn is not. You always know when you’re being a dick. It’s easy to find acquaintances, but good friends are as hard to come by as an Asian girl not doing the ‘peace’ pose in a photograph. Do you cherish your friends as much as you cherish your romantic relationships? If not, then that’s a shame. Love is still love at the end of the day and you should do your best to surround yourself with it as much as possible.

To treat it with such contempt is a crime against yourself. Oh, and saying “sorry” doesn’t make you a wimp. It makes you self-aware and open to improvement. Ignorance is only bliss to losers. Say goodbye to bad stubborn and bask in your kind of good stubborn. Happy Monday.

Song for the moment – “Nobody’s Perfect.” By Jessie J.

Notable Lyrics:

But I never meant to hurt you,

I know it’s time that I learned to,

Treat the people I love, like I wanna be loved,

This is a lesson learned.

And I hate that I let you down,

and I feel so bad about it,

I guess karma comes back around,

cause now I’m the one whose hurting, yeah.

Blogs

Are You Stubborn Good or Stubborn Bad?

Are you Good Stubborn, or Bad Stubborn? (and is it Affecting Your Happiness?)

Comments