Hi there, I’ve decided to keep a diary and tell a story of how i started hearing voices and suffering apparently from Schizophrenia. though i feel it could be something else…. i.e ELF or project blue beam or some type of electronic harassment or just spiritual or am i just plain mad???
Its now the year 2014 and i have had it for 5 years so far. I personally feel sometimthing but more sinister than a mental illness is happening to me because at first it scared me. It started back in 2009 around feburury when it seem some type of outside force was trying to communicate with me - at first i took this to maybe god, a ghost, my spirit, or a spiritual awakening of some sort even the devil or something bad- whatever it is there interested in me. I had many strange things happen to me such as tactile sensations as they are called by doctors which communicate in a morse type of code - basically i realised something was communicating with me that felt like not just my own thoughts - so i came up with a morse code communication like for ghosts - as at the time i thought this would be the easiest way to ‘chat’ (this was before the voices started. The ‘force or presence then started using this - I’ll give you an example i would think in my head a question and the ‘presence’ or force would respond by tapping parts of my body the number of times related to the the morse code word. i.e 1 knock/tap means ok 2 means no 3 means yes etc - but not just that but areas i was around would make a knocking sound - three taps for yes etc not as much as tapping my body - the sensation feels cold and not concisely done by myself. So this confirmed by believe it was an outside force and not my own doing. I also started writing numbers down and certain symbols (star of david with 333 around it) - some of at the time i didn’t know what they meant and had to research it. It felt like the information was being downloaded into my head. I was also looking up a lot of information about occultism, the bible and other new age sites. From Feburyry 2009 to June i was still living in London, I started to get very paranoid and felt people could hear my thoughts (so called thought broadcasting) I could not take it anymore so i moved from london to dorset to near my family. Thats when i had a very unusual experience one night (june 25th 2009) i was looking out my window when i started to feel my heart beat slow down and then stop. It stopped for quite a while 3-5 mins yet i was still alive and couldn’t figure out how. Then there was a bright white with a hint of blue light that seemed to come from everywhere and my body jolted and it felt as if something inside me had come out. I then remember going and siting on my bed and switching the light on, suddenly it made a tapping noise and then i heard a voice say “I am the light” this as far as i can remember was the first time i heard a voice which didn’t sound like me (at the time i thought it was jesus/god). Since then i have heard multiple voices female and male/ deceased friends and relatives and even my own voice (seeming/ sounding younger than i am now) which seems outside me or at least feels like its not my thoughts (inner voice) and very out of control emotionally and with what it says at times. Of course Doctors dismiss anything paranormal or supernatural and say it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I am on medication for psychosis but it has never stopped completely but does quieten the voices but not the tapping/morse code.
More about the voices. (at the time of writing this) One i feel is satan trying to deceive me and others by using me as a tool. The other seems to be jesus/anti christ and the other myself which lately seems to be the most talkative - telling me I’m a saint from 6th century returned, I have over the years given it many names, higher self, my spirit, super conciouness, super ego etc etc. maybe its all those things but it is very very annoying to say the least it feels like and sounds like a younger version of myself, which can be ok some times if you want to revert to a child like state but personally id like to live a private life as an adult. The sad thing is there always there and respond to everything thought i have. They also embrass me insult me and say very evil things, crazy etc . Lately they keep threaten to kill me and personally i wish they would but so far its any empty threat.
I am starting to think this is a form of mind control and that it maybe undetectable to some but not others thats why some seem aware and others not. Of course this sounds like a conspiracy but who’s to say some of those are not true. Couldd the government / illumanti have such power to read a persons thoughts/ create different personality alters etc or communicate with ELF waves or synthetic telepathy. They do say the govement etc is 30-40 yrs technology ahead of what is out there.
More about the numbers.
Of course my logical mind reasons that numbers are just numbers and writing them down doesn’t cause some type of effect on others. The numbers I wrote were 333, 666, 999 and for a long time and I’m still not sure what they mean. Of course the number 666 worries me as its in the bible. By what I’ve research on the internet there are all types of meanings. The meanings i found where 333 in occultism and new age is connected to so called ‘christ conciouness’ or higher levels of reality or life death and resurrection. 666 well everyone knows from the bible what that means - 6 being the number of man and is not good. 999 i am not sure but looking into it maybe opposite to 666 or means something else i’ll update this diary soon when i feel i have more information.
Since my last entry i have been hearing less voices. but still ‘aware’ of some presence weather this be electronic or technology based or truly spiritual. All i know is something is aware of my thoughts. Going though ‘this’ whatever it is, has made me think on many levels about religion, the human mind and cause and effect and many other things philosophical matters. Since the voices have calmed down i can think clearer without interruption.