Hello All!
In case we haven't met, I have been a TI for 12 years. Ive been through alot. One of the worst things I go through is sexual assault by use of the machine. Many of you know of what I speak. The enemy has the ability to control Any part of our bodies at any time. This is extremely difficult to deal with. The assault is real and often accompanied by taunts and such through v2k.
I find that sharing helps me deal with it. What they do is extremely isolating. It cannot be picked up by a rape exam, so there is no physical sign, and thus no real empathy when telling those who dont get similarly assaulted.
This is why im posting this blog. Because those of us who understand the horror can become aware of others so we can support each other. The greatest thing that pulls me through the ugliness of experiencing sexual assault is knowing that I'm not alone. Ive talked to others that go through it, both men and women. There is strength in numbers.
I was looking for articles that help with surviving sexual assault. There are many, but none that really explains how to deal with our perspective. I thought that I would list a few of the things that I personally deal with and some things ways that I handle them.
1) isolation. As a man, it was first very difficult to tell others what I went through. I found tgat when I did, responses varied. The first thing I noticed was tgat noone suggested authorities. If tgey in any way thought it was real, the woukd be legaly liable to inform the authorities. They dont do that. Then, you have people who take advantage. I've told more than one male nurse what I was experiencing and was offered a come-on in return. I have also had both men and women accuse me of bringing it up for my own sexual gratification. Thus is done by people who havent been treated in such a way, and think the story of remote motor function manipulation is real, and not a method of suruptitious sexual conversation. Then there is the lack of desire to go around telling something that is so ugly. Its judt very isolating.
2) self blame. I at first was filled with self blame. The enemy fostered this view through v2k input. I would go through my memories and my mistakes trying to find which of them were the cause of my situation. When they make you feel like you are to blame, you become more isolated because you don't want to share what you supposedly caused.
3) shame. Because of self blame, and the intense negativity of the situation, shame emerges. Humiliation is shames friend. The enemy is good at inflicting both. Often the sexual assault is accompanied by v2k that is highly degrading in nature. The ideas presented through v2k work to instill these negative feelings deep into your psyche.
4) anger/rage. I feel emothions build up quickly as the assault happens. I have rage at times that I internalize. I am not by nature violent toward others so my thoughts turn toward self violence. I get visions of sticking a knife into my thigh. I express the rage in a moan/cry that does not contain words. I have used intense physical excercise to help redirect energies.
5) fear. When they leave, I am already fearing that they. Will return. The violation itself in the way we experience it, can cause mistrust of reality in general. This mistrust brings forth fear. When and how. And by who will the next assault be done by?? Not knowing is fearful.
These are a few things I experience. There are certainly others, and everyone is different. I hope this helps.
Somd of tge wYs I deal with them are;
1) talking to someone! Seattle has a great crisis line. The volunteers most often will listen and try and give tools to deal with anxiety. They are a big help. I am going to a psychologist today for support for these issues. It is important that you get someone compatible with you. It really helps. I also get on peacepink to share. Most members are supportive. As im going through the adsault, I remeber men and women that also go through the same hell.
2) distracting. This is something you hear of others doing mentally while they go through something they have no control over. It could also be called intentionally induced detachment. Doing and thinking something that can take you away from the situation to any degree can help. I use imagination to detach. I will imagine that im a space cowboy, like Han solo, and that im fighting for the future of humanity. As a Christian, I usec to imagine that I was a prophet, being treated like prophets before me. At any rate, regardless of your belief system, faith does wonders with imagination.
There are other ways I deal. Heavy use of alcohol and at fimes other substances is useful to me as an individual in medicating the assault. It is not something I recommend. But it works for me.
Here are some articles on surviving sexual assault.
http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/rape.html
http://counseling.ucr.edu/hot-topics-students/Pages/SurvivingSexualAssault.aspx
In any case I would hope that we can deal empathetgecally with each other when it comes to this subject. Feel free to share in any Postitive fashion.
THANKS!
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