surreal life is unreality and there is no substance

[cinders]

Today I am feeling disconnected as always only lately its worse. I lie to myself and say I will get better. Or if I met a significant other or maybe just 2 good close friends, but relationships of depth are a luxury for people like myself and I am lonely. My life is just one day into the next and of no meaning. I feel nothing alot of the time and today maybe angry and sad everytime I am reminded of the distant memory of myself.  My children will never see all that I was and am inside, all my talents and interests all the things I could have taught them and I worry they may not know themselves either the way free people are entitled to. To think to plan to create your own truth and identity to have the same belief system or ideology for more than a month. You need all those things to look beyond yourself and be of service to others not seem so self absorbed but they make us non people this way robotic personalities with no feelings other than desperation and I hate it I hate to be alive mostly. Some times I have hope and its just a lie because nothing will change here but they bank on the human condition to keep plugging along, I hate this country and today I hate humankind. There were things I needed to do in this world and share and say and people I needed to meet and I am imprisoned and I hate them I feel hatred and anger.If I had one wish I would wish time alone with the man who hurt my son at 12 and my daughter thru the first 10 years of her life. I would like these cowards to meet me eye to eye and sit there in front of me while I reflect on every sad moment they experienced at the hands of these animals. What I would say or do only God knows and I m not sure where god or what god is but somehow I think he'd rise to the occasion. The bastards that hurt myself and my sister when we were little also, just one chance God please to look these and this particular sick fuck in the eye  for as long as I choose. Hatred is a beautiful thing isnt it, its the Presidential Platform so is poverty and abuse and sickness. Please just one day alone for what you did you sick mother fucker and I know you know I know who you are if i saw you. Im an Angel surely and Ive performed no miracles or extraordinary kindnesses because of you. Please forgive my rantings but someone owes me a life and my children.