Thank you.
I would not be the strong woman that I am now, I would not have that confidence that I, too, deserve to exist, I, too deserve to be loved had I not experienced how it is to be given worth by two people so selfless they loved me unconditionally.
A love so strong it served as the gate that shielded me from the realities of hatred the people around me harbored. It was only in their death that I was exposed to the torment of it all.
You are no longer here to explain to me all this hatred, this vitriol. Never from you but from the people around me.
I know though that had I realized before, were we given a chance to talk about these heart-wrenching details, you would understand my pain even if I don't say it all.
I look back at the time, you came and stayed in our house just before you died. You told me you stayed in my room and slept in my bed. It was too noticeable. You never did that. Never in my twenty something years did I see you go to another house to sleep there. Only then. Right before you died.
It's too late to ask you now but I wonder, was there any reason beyond what I was told later?
I would no longer know. I wasn't at home when you were there, I was miles away, in school.
Was it the same reason why you asked them to go back and get me when you were already in your death bed? That caught me off-guard, I didn't even know you were in the hospital.
It's too late to ask you now but I can't stop myself from wondering... Is the stern caution for my grandmother and my aunt not to accompany me but coincidental or still part of the mystery?
I didn't ask much from your military in-law or from the in-law who worked at the pioneering radio and television technology firm who accompanied me on a 12-hour ride to the hospital you were in.
When I got there, you could barely muster a word anymore, we could no longer talk except for that fleeting moment you became well enough to say, "if you weren't here in time, i'd really feel bad " and you reached so you can kiss me in the forehead, as you often did.
I do not know if you wanted to say more. I do not know if it was even possible since the crowd in your room never let up, never once was it empty , you were that well-loved.
Whatever was left unsaid, you could no longer talk.
The sickness that took you forbid you to.
The same symptoms that shrouded me the same time it engulfed you.
You died.
I lived.
I thank God though that you did not have to go through the same daily torture I am going through now.
If it comes out that what triggered our health concerns before is the very same harassment I am going through now, I thank God for sparing you the pain of seeing all your relationships go down the drain. I know how your life revolved around the people you loved and I know how you painstakingly strive to keep all the family ties intact.
I am a recipient of that effort. I thought all ties were strong because you held them all for me, for all of us.
You're together with grandma now. Please say sorry to her for me , please.
I could no longer be there to be with her when she became too weak. At that time i was already miles away, already in too much pain I had too distance myself from everyone. I knew she wanted me to stay with her but doing so would make them hate me, us both, all the more. The more they hate the fact that she loves me, the more they will attack us both.
The relationships have never been the same since you've been gone. You were the tie that joined us all together. When you died, it went unbound.
You were no longer there to protect grandma from their hurtful words, you were no longer there to warn or shield any of us from jealous attacks.
Please thank and hug grandma for me.
I thank her for loving me the same way you did.
Unconditionally.
Thank you both.
I love you.
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