The pain to the head is thunderous, to the very top of my head and my hand burns over the site. I'm terribly ill-fitted for this world in this condition, though I've decided to spend not so much time alone. A male friend of mine suggested this to me, as a way of helping my mental condition, to be around others, to not isolate. I'm still sending emails ever so often to human rights orgs., and this is my only form of activism. It is my strong belief that we need these people to represent us as a disadvantaged group who suffer and remain kept in the shadows. I'm not looking for government to help at all. I'm frightened many times during the awful pain, very paranoid over every sound around me. I'm uncertain how long this will go on, but I wonder about death coming.
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The only cure for grief is action. -- George Henry LewesIn this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world. --Jesus ChristIt is a sad thing when you hear Christians with a groan in them. When I meet the groaner, I say in my heart, “God, move that man on into the place where he comprehends what Christianity is.” --John G. LakeIf thou art willing to suffer no adversity, how wilt thou be the friend of Christ? --Thomas à KempisGod will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. -- Elbert HubbardDeep unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state. -- George EliotIt is through much tribulation that we enter the kingdom of Heaven. --The Apostle PaulDifficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever. -- Isak DinesenNo man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. --Bram StokerThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? --Kahlil GibranThe will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger. --Elisabeth ElliotPain is never permanent. --Teresa of Avila
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The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play when a captive cannot escape and is isolated and threatened with death, but is shown token acts of kindness by the captor. It typically takes about three or four days for the psychological shift to take hold.A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your tormenter!The syndrome explains what happens in hostage-taking situations, but can also be used to understand the behavior of battered spouses, members of religious cults, Holocaust victims, household pets, and perhaps even users of Internet Explorer. I think it may also help explain the popularity of government and of the mass institutionalization of young people.
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There is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed – one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, often, sadistically and sexually, with undisguised pleasure. Hence the all-pervasive, long-lasting, and, frequently, irreversible effects and outcomes of torture.In a way, the torture victim's own body is rendered his worse enemy. It is corporeal agony that compels the sufferer to mutate, his identity to fragment, his ideals and principles to crumble. The body becomes an accomplice of the tormentor, an uninterruptible channel of communication, a treasonous, poisoned territory.It fosters a humiliating dependency of the abused on the perpetrator. Bodily needs denied – sleep, toilet, food, water – are wrongly perceived by the victim as the direct causes of his degradation and dehumanization. As he sees it, he is rendered bestial not by the sadistic bullies around him but by his own flesh.The concept of "body" can easily be extended to "family", or "home". Torture is often applied to kin and kith, compatriots, or colleagues. This intends to disrupt the continuity of "surroundings, habits, appearance, relations with others", as the CIA put it in one of its manuals. A sense of cohesive self-identity depends crucially on the familiar and the continuous. By attacking both one's biological body and one's "social body", the victim's psyche is strained to the point of dissociation.Beatrice Patsalides describes this transmogrification thus in "Ethics of the Unspeakable: Torture Survivors in Psychoanalytic Treatment":"As the gap between the 'I' and the 'me' deepens, dissociation and alienation increase. The subject that, under torture, was forced into the position of pure object has lost his or her sense of interiority, intimacy, and privacy. Time is experienced now, in the present only, and perspective – that which allows for a sense of relativity – is foreclosed. Thoughts and dreams attack the mind and invade the body as if the protective skin that normally contains our thoughts, gives us space to breathe in between the thought and the thing being thought about, and separates between inside and outside, past and present, me and you, was lost."Torture robs the victim of the most basic modes of relating to reality and, thus, is the equivalent of cognitive death. Space and time are warped by sleep deprivation. The self ("I") is shattered. The tortured have nothing familiar to hold on to: family, home, personal belongings, loved ones, language, name. Gradually, they lose their mental resilience and sense of freedom. They feel alien – unable to communicate, relate, attach, or empathize with others.Torture splinters early childhood grandiose narcissistic fantasies of uniqueness, omnipotence, invulnerability, and impenetrability. But it enhances the fantasy of merger with an idealized and omnipotent (though not benign) other – the inflicter of agony. The twin processes of individuation and separation are reversed.Torture is the ultimate act of perverted intimacy. The torturer invades the victim's body, pervades his psyche, and possesses his mind. Deprived of contact with others and starved for human interactions, the prey bonds with the predator. "Traumatic bonding", akin to the Stockholm Syndrome, is about hope and the search for meaning in the brutal and indifferent and nightmarish universe of the torture cell.The abuser becomes the black hole at the center of the victim's surrealistic galaxy, sucking in the sufferer's universal need for solace. The victim tries to "control" his tormentor by becoming one with him (introjecting him) and by appealing to the monster's presumably dormant humanity and empathy.This bonding is especially strong when the torturer and the tortured form a dyad and "collaborate" in the rituals and acts of torture (for instance, when the victim is coerced into selecting the torture implements and the types of torment to be inflicted, or to choose between two evils).The psychologist Shirley Spitz offers this powerful overview of the contradictory nature of torture in a seminar titled "The Psychology of Torture" (1989):"Torture is an obscenity in that it joins what is most private with what is most public. Torture entails all the isolation and extreme solitude of privacy with none of the usual security embodied therein... Torture entails at the same time all the self-exposure of the utterly public with none of its possibilities for camaraderie or shared experience. (The presence of an all powerful other with whom to merge, without the security of the other's benign intentions.)A further obscenity of torture is the inversion it makes of intimate human relationships. The interrogation is a form of social encounter in which the normal rules of communicating, of relating, of intimacy are manipulated. Dependency needs are elicited by the interrogator, but not so they may be met as in close relationships, but to weaken and confuse. Independence that is offered in return for 'betrayal' is a lie. Silence is intentionally misinterpreted either as confirmation of information or as guilt for 'complicity'.Torture combines complete humiliating exposure with utter devastating isolation. The final products and outcome of torture are a scarred and often shattered victim and an empty display of the fiction of power."Obsessed by endless ruminations, demented by pain and a continuum of sleeplessness – the victim regresses, shedding all but the most primitive defense mechanisms: splitting, narcissism, dissociation, Projective Identification, introjection, and cognitive dissonance. The victim constructs an alternative world, often suffering from depersonalization and derealization, hallucinations, ideas of reference, delusions, and psychotic episodes.Sometimes the victim comes to crave pain – very much as self-mutilators do – because it is a proof and a reminder of his individuated existence otherwise blurred by the incessant torture. Pain shields the sufferer from disintegration and capitulation. It preserves the veracity of his unthinkable and unspeakable experiences.This dual process of the victim's alienation and addiction to anguish complements the perpetrator's view of his quarry as "inhuman", or "subhuman". The torturer assumes the position of the sole authority, the exclusive fount of meaning and interpretation, the source of both evil and good.Torture is about reprogramming the victim to succumb to an alternative exegesis of the world, proffered by the abuser. It is an act of deep, indelible, traumatic indoctrination. The abused also swallows whole and assimilates the torturer's negative view of him and often, as a result, is rendered suicidal, self-destructive, or self-defeating.Thus, torture has no cut-off date. The sounds, the voices, the smells, the sensations reverberate long after the episode has ended – both in nightmares and in waking moments. The victim's ability to trust other people – i.e., to assume that their motives are at least rational, if not necessarily benign – has been irrevocably undermined. Social institutions are perceived as precariously poised on the verge of an ominous, Kafkaesque mutation. Nothing is either safe, or credible anymore.Victims typically react by undulating between emotional numbing and increased arousal: insomnia, irritability, restlessness, and attention deficits. Recollections of the traumatic events intrude in the form of dreams, night terrors, flashbacks, and distressing associations.The tortured develop compulsive rituals to fend off obsessive thoughts. Other psychological sequelae reported include cognitive impairment, reduced capacity to learn, memory disorders, sexual dysfunction, social withdrawal, inability to maintain long-term relationships, or even mere intimacy, phobias, ideas of reference and superstitions, delusions, hallucinations, psychotic microepisodes, and emotional flatness.
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Dear President Obama,On November 2, 1989, I was burned with cigarettes more than 111 times. I was raped over and over again--and this was only the beginning.During the past few years, I have had ample reason to reflect on the life of an extraordinary man, Jean Amery, an Austrian philosopher who was tortured by the Nazis. I was first introduced to his writings shortly after my own torture in Guatemala. Like many who have survived this unspeakable horror, I emerged from that clandestine prison lost and broken--a body without a soul. Gone was the God to whom I had committed my life. Gone was trust, the very idea of justice betrayed. Gone was all that I had believed in. Everything that defined me as a human being ceased to exist.Amery's words, odd as this may seem, brought some comfort: "Anyone who has been tortured remains tortured." "Anyone who has suffered torture never again will be at ease in the world...faith in humanity, already cracked by the first slap in the face, then demolished by torture, is never acquired again."These words seemed written just for me. Somehow, somewhere on this earth was another person who understood what I had learned at the cruel hands of my torturers. For a moment at least, it gave me peace of mind. It was only years later that I would understand the fundamental meaning of Amery's words: "Anyone who has suffered torture, never again will be at ease in the world." And it was years after this understanding that I would learn that Jean Amery had killed himself.Mr. President, from anonymous graves, voices still cry out. From clandestine prisons, in the midst of indescribable pain, we, my sisters and brothers, beg you to hear. Will you listen to what we alone know of this crime against humanity--what we know from the inside out?Please hear us! Torture does not end with the release from some clandestine prison. It is not something we "get over." Simply, "looking forward" is not an option for us. Torture is a permanent invasion of our minds and our souls. Surviving is far worse that the actual physical torture itself. Those wounds heal in time--but the memories cling to us. Psychological torture is time without end. No one fully recovers from torture. The damage can never be undone.What is our claim to speak with authority on this subject? We have been beaten, hanged by wrists, arms, or legs, burned by electrical devices or cigarettes, bitten by humans and dogs, cut or stabbed with knives or machetes. And this is only a sample of what has been done to us. Each mark, visible or invisible, is a permanent reminder of what was done to us--a reminder that in so many cases fills us with embarrassment and even shame. What a cruel irony that it is the tortured one and not the torturer who feels shame.And what an irony it is that today in the United States, the tortured so often are told that what they experienced was not even cruel and unusual, let alone torture. What an irony that those who oppose torture, oppose the violation of U.S law by acts of non-violent civil resistance can be sent to prison while those who ordered this brutality walk free, receiving the de facto impunity implied in your call to "look forward" and only forward.Mr. President, there is ample reason to believe that important members of the previous administration may well have violated the law. Is it not your responsibility and that of the Attorney General to investigate that possibility? And if the law was violated, is it not your responsibility to hold perpetrators accountable, no matter how exalted their previous positions?We who have paid the dreadful price of torture beseech you to determine just what happened to law and morality during the past eight years and to make those findings public. It is only by an independent investigation that we will learn the truth, and, if that investigation warrants, it will be by prosecution that we may hold to account those who violated the law and despoiled our national honor. Getting things right in the future depends on knowing what went wrong in the past. You know this when it comes to the economy. You know this when it comes to a health care system. How can you not know it when it comes to human rights?Mr. President, on behalf of those who know this cruel subject so well, I ask you to act in service to the truth and to the principle that no matter how high the position held nor how much power accrues to it, its incumbent must be held accountable to the law. As I hope you will agree, sir, to do less is to betray the very idea of justice.Thank you for reading my letter
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We give them bits and pieces of our past in our memories, our dreamsand with what we tell others, and they need this information to form acomposite of picture of us as criminals, or as sex slaves, any way to frameus over and over again to justify and satisfy their need to know, which is why theDJ yesterday said, “We have some bush coming up...and who doesn’tlike a new bush?” This is a reference to what a drunk man said to mewhen I was 13 years old and they want to know if I did anything sexuallywith him or if anything happened with the kids I was babysitting for, theywant to reframe the scene of the crime, and to do this, they drop commentsor suggestions that will get me thinking along those terms. They areworking for the government, these reporters and DJ’s, because thegovernment are the main players in wanting us to remember, or, forinstance, they want to create a sex slave in me, so they will use all kindsof moments from the past that I’m supposed to draw up as reference andas definition of who I am, so that I accept the plans they have for me.The goal at all times is to use our own minds to control us, to seek waysin which they use dreams, memories, emotions, thoughts, voices, anythingthat can be turned on us in a way of creating the scenario they are lookingfor.
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They want me dead, and if they can't finally stop seeing through my eyes so that I'm dead, they want everything taken away from me, the kids, the jobs, the money, the respect, the road that goes back through the countryside that surrounds me.Who are they?Parenting reporters, columnists, other reporters, anchormen, internet reporters, internet search engines, DJs, production crews for television shows, actors, actresses, writers for television shows, authors (including Lisa Tucker, the offending book of her I just finished) poets, publishers, musical groups, former co-workers, current employers, former employers, cystic fibrosis foundation members, Down syndrome foundation members, NAMI, local priests, local teachers and principals and former teachers and principals, neighbors, long lost friends, and people in the family.Anybody I'm leaving out? I'm sure there are many more. Newspapers, magazines, corporate america.I pray that these people will pay for what they have done to me. Anyone who has viewed me and my children, or viewed through me and my children, read our minds and watched our dreams, and made their judgement calls according to some good and normal world that doesn't exist anymore, and never came to my rescue after years and years now of electronic torture, I pray they will one day burn in hell, if not here on earth, then in the afterlife.
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I’m not really sure what we mean by “perps” anymore. I used to believe it was the bad guys in the government holding camp that physically electronically torturing me or causing such eletronic impulses through my body, and they certainly aren’t people out on the street, people I meet, or people who can someone move in next to me to cause me unrest.Many targets believe that these such perps are everywhere in the world, and not only everywhere out here in our world, but also among us. This is a classic case of extreme paranoia that gets the better of them, and they will start all kinds of gossip, back-biting, and fighting within the community to tell everyone else about this person. One of the last times I was on a conference call the woman on there stopped all the talk and said, “I just want you guys to know who’s a real target and who’s a perp.” OK. How does she know this?This community of targets is definitely losing the fight. If their paranoia is so bad that they need to call out other people to accost them, then maybe they should consider medication, a change of lifestyle, or just merely shutting up. It bothers me to no end when these people have no basis, and think all the rest of us care what they have decided about others. Get a life, would ya?
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My aunt Kathy was dying of cancer, and I went over to visit her with her daughter, my cousin. We visited for awhile, and then my cousin and I went out for some fun that evening. Later, about 5 or 6 hours later, my aunt was dead.My parents went to visit my ailing uncle in the hospital, and I guess it was a nice visit. Later, about 6 hours later, my uncle died.I do not know for sure, of course, but my feeling is that the direct energy we give off is deadly and causes ill people to pass away. I should probably never become a nurse, a doctor or anything like that.
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Long about the time that I realized I was a target, my parents used to tell me that their teenage son would get the one ring phone calls that were from his girlfriend that meant that he should call her, and he denied this and of course they didn't believe him, and still don't, they are in active denial of anything related to this. What that is is satellite telephone, like a back current that makes your phone ring and no one is there, it is computer-generated, I get this too, I get it just about everywhere I go: the grocery store, at work, other places. Its the same thing that makes street lights go off when we are near them. So, its safe to say that my parents are also targeted. They have fought with the static on their phone, and will never admit that its anything other than what the phone company can fix. The static on the phone is from the satellite telephone, its from eavesdropping on us, tracking us, monitoring us. They have bought many phones to remedy the situation, never in a million years will they believe that we are all targeted. I thought at one time that I had them, the bad guys. My mother's Buick had a built-in security detection system and when I pulled into their garage with this car, the lights started flashing, as if someone was trying to break in. I thought it was detecting the satellite. I went crazy for awhile and even called the police, but no one answered there and I didn't leave a message.The radio and television are watching us through this surveillance, and its insane what its like, like having someone right there mocking your last thought, or dream. Its a nightmare really. All of these people are a part of the surveillance because they are actively on the receiving end, its like it takes two people to make a form of communication, well, they are the 3rd party, the second party goes into some government complex for unknown purposes, the 3rd party gets the knowledge as it happens too, only doesn't have a purpose, only to know something that is important, namely, OUR LIVES. Really, I am the first party of everything and what I say, do, think, act, dream becomes some kind of feed that the receiving parties can then react to, use, destroy, feed off of or discard. The receiving parties know that this is just life, but they are often times startled and stunned and want to find reasons for the surveillance, as if we are all criminals and deserve such treatment, they look at us like caged animals or prisons who can't be trusted, they have seen our dreams, come on!
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This is the landI raked free ofgrasses in the backof my mindand buried a fewspeeches and datesand poems thatnow are loston the weeds andthe bugs and thedays that re-arrangeall that was here.America, have Iforgotten that youwere written in coldblood, lost as a mitten?The thoughts are nolonger frozen but thawthrough the 4th anddecompose like bodies.I forget all I learned,what made it so good,nothing in the back of mymind but the implant.
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Reality media never frames anyone is a positive light, there is always the dark, dirty little secrets, dirty laundry that they need to report on, throw out there like a net and hope to catch people’s eyes enough to buy their bullshit.There is an established status quo that these people maintain and uphold, and the moment that someone steps out of line, that person is put up on the chopping block and disseminated, picked apart, torn to sheds, usually right before everyone’s eyes.With the passing of Michael Jackson, this is a good time for the media to take a good hard look at itself and the kinds of ways their words, pictures and depictions have harmed an icon to the point of breaking him for good in death. But, what do you we see? We see Yahoo, now, not even 48 hours after Michael’s death, talking about all of his dirty laundry, questioning his every move over the past 2 decades, framing him in a negative light.The media will go on a witch hunt of anyone they think shies away from the cameras, their prodding, and they will not stop now, even after death, I’m sure they will continue to stalk Michael’s children and try to draw up any abnormality, drug use, or falling by the wayside that they can then blame Michael for.We need real change in this country, and I would love to see the every day people stop buying into all the negativity and back-biting and sordid preoccupation with stars and officials and people like us, targets.
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The mentally ill must give up all rights once they shown they are a danger to themselves or to others, and either end up in prison, or in a mental hospital for some time. Other mentally ill people will tell other parents of the mentally ill that they are glad their parents intervened, strapped them down and forced hospitalization on them, because it is known all over the internet and in the psychiatric community that a person doesn't realize they are sick because this is part of schizophrenia, its inborn in the illness itself and therefore, it requires someone else to step in and force help, so its a running dialog that these people have thinking they are doing what is right.Many targets are never going to admit they have mental illness, and this is sometimes good, and sometimes bad. The good part is that the target doesn't stop thinking he is like everyone else, doesn't admit to being weak, weird, incompetent, and the things that through you off your automatic pilot way of living your life. The bad is that the person will suffer most if not all of his life with voices that they are convinced are coming from the government, never realizing that it takes 2 to 3 weeks on medication sometimes longer before the voices stop, so they tell themselves and other targets that medication doesn't help or work when its all remote.The moment you admit you are mentally ill and start taking medication, society stops believing your ranting that you are being tortured electronically, because they will pass it off as a fabrication of the brain or a condition that the person has as being a mental patient. The parents and family of this person will do what others have told them to do, and force hospitalization, force medication, force help upon a person who is convinced the only problem they have is coming remotely. So, the target is faced with a decision to become part of what society is saying and stay on the medication, or rebel and fight the whole system, plus the government or the enemy.The solutions: the APA can start to come to grips with the fact that targeting is real and may cause both symptoms and signs of mental illness without invalidating their claims of tampering. The media, radio or other outlets can finally once and for all start offering us the proof we need to show our families and others that we are being watched, monitored and therefore remotely tortured. We would be in a true holding period, where nothing would necessarily end, but the whole dynamic of the targeting would be open and honest and start treating these people like decent human beings. I pray for this.
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When I drive in my car, I get this pulsating tail bone, something I thought was coming from my car seat, its like a vibration, its electric. The same thing happens when I sleep, and it usually wakes me up, I don't sleep well. It feels like I'm laying on a electronic device, sometimes this vibration comes out of me like a control over my bowels or my sex, but usually its inside of me at my tail bone pulsating energy. I may start dreaming then about the targeting, something I do just about every night, and then I am given head pain during sleep. There is barely any time in which I am left alone and not toyed with. The vibration to my body, lower spine, feels like a slight earthquake, it rattles my whole foundation. I am starting to see that this hold over me is much worse than I've been letting on.
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FFCHS is an organization I've given money to, but most all of the newsletters I throw my hands up in the air and decry foul or something to that extent since its mainly bogus reporting from people across the world who are either, A) not mentally well, or B) all hyped up over nothing. I still read it, but with a careful attention that one would read the National Enquirer.I gave these people my two cents worth about what our lawyer could do for us, about pursuing the Michigan law and trying to get our lawyer to cause action within the criminal investigation community, and guess where that got me? nowhere. They would rather chase after nothing than show results. PEOPLE: we demand results, especially from a lawyer that we pay for!This website: peacepink. Eric posts all day and all night and I never see him getting anywhere with anything. Its hard to be here for another, what? five years, ten years? I'm tired of this, PEOPLE!We need to, as a group, start seeing progess. Who has concrete ideas about how we do that? Some of these people have been doing this too long. They make the fighting a full time job. The fighting against someone that never gets anywhere.I hate that we don't know what is going on, and can't get the proof, and yet so many people with hold it from us. I hate that we have to do all the work and can't get an agency to help us, to be our voice, to be our advocate. I hate that its so convoluted with so much excess garbage that we can't see a clear view off the curb.I pray for us, people. I pray for the people that move me, just about to tears. My pain levels have not subsided much lately, still deep and terrible head pain, energy or gas, sensations of passing out and going under.I want this lawyer to actually help us. We demand action, now!
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When I get about 3 blocks from my home coming home, I'm given deep and terrible head pain that lasts the rest of the night, some signal I guess that I shouldn't be here. It starts terribly in my car and then seeps over into the house. They've been sexually attacking me lately, the arousal is too much, even after church on Sunday night.I'm going on vacation on Tuesday, friends, to Memphis, TN, with my kids. I'm really looking forward to this. I hope for pain free days and nights with little arousal or tampering. I appreciate the prayers and thoughts for the kids and me, thank you.Sheri
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The media stalks children. Especially children who star on reality t.v. shows, because American wants to see these kids at their leisure, and not when they are acting, but to see them as they are, so much so that their parents are revealed of everything that they might want to keep private.Private? I think it was George Bush who took away all of our privacy, and he certainly indirectly ushered in an era of reality television that would eventually know no boundaries, and now, I wonder, will it finally implode upon itself and end by going to far?The media has seen my children naked, and some have suggested this is ultimate pornography that they are taking part in, but they will never come forward and admit what their eyes have seen. They have also seen me naked, going to the bathroom, taking a shower, having sex, dining out, making dinner, going to movies, etc. The media has since gone way to far with targeted individuals and I think many times they forget that they can’t do this stuff with average citizens like Jon and Kate and their kids. They forget that we all cherish our privacy.I haven’t had a moment alone to myself in 15 years. Neither, likely, have my children. And what does the media do? They blame me for this, the same way that the media likes to blame Jon for supposedly inviting people here. The media will blame anyone but themselves, they are incorrigible, and insufferable. The media are not real, and the people they exploit, are. Funny.
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What I told my psychiatrist, "Yeah, I need help with anger management...the truth is, I'm not angry enough."We need soldiers here people!We need people who have been butchered so long and so thoroughly that they can't even think straight anymore!We need to fight!There is no rational way to talk about being tortured!Fight on! Fight on!
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From my personal experience with electronic torture, the first thought I had of it, the first I knew that it even existed and could be done, was when I emailed EducateYourself.com and the editor, Ken Adachi, emailed me back, "Are you experiencing electronic torture?" And then very soon after, I did.Many times during this long trial of terrible pain, weeks I had it, if my mind went toward that thought of torture, more torture would happen. There were many other things attached to my thoughts and feelings, but torture was one of them that was drawn up through thought. It isn't consistent though, other times, other weapons are used beyond the mental perception.This is a very dangerous thing to tell others because others will say then its your schizophrenic mind playing tricks on you, you are actually causing the majority of your pain through your own dwelling on the power they have over you and the infliction is based upon your enlightenment that it actually exists and is happening.Lately, I'm finding day upon day of terrible head pain, (some?) most of which is alleviated through reading books and not thinking about the pain, not dwelling on it, engaging in activities, purposefully forgetting about what I am going through, and then the effects are not nearly as bad. Its very difficult to do when the pain is so excruciating, and it doesn't always work, but its something we can all try.
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I was born in Saint Luke's hospital in Davenport, Iowa. When I was Baptized the priest told my parents I was perfect baby. I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic grade school, though I nearly got kicked out for being a class clown and fighting with my teachers. The next year I was bullied to leave by my female peers who said in the chapel that they hated me so much they would never stop what they were doing to me. I took it all very hard. I had my first emotional breakdown, age 13.I grew very religious in High School and read from the Bible during Mass and I was in the choir and I led youth religious weekend retreats. I became very good friends again with the peers from grade school who said they would never befriend me again. Then I went to college, and slowly grew wild, and away from the church, did sinful things, then came back to the church and taught CCD to first graders.I had my twins Baptized by my church here in my town, but we never attended Mass until I moved back home for good, and then I became somewhat religious again, teaching CCD to 6th graders and praying at night with the kids, until the deacon at Mass said there are too many law suits in the world, at a time when I was desperately trying to find a lawyer to end my targeting.Along about this time, 2 or 3 priests from my area of about 5 miles radius, were accused to molesting children in the 70's and 80's. One of these priests used to come our family get togethers, he was very close to my one aunt. I attended church growing up at these places too, but was never subjected to this kind of abuse. It makes me wonder, if I'm set up as a sex slave, and the priests here are set up as sex slaves as well, and whether any of us had any control over it, it makes me wonder if I am to blame for all of this.I left the church, and started to go to another Catholic church about 10 miles away, and the kids went to CCD there. I felt the priest was avoiding me and I wanted to ask him about my targeting, what he knew, so I felt like a burden to him, so I left there. We started going to Evangelical Free, and then I feared other people there were watching me, including the pastor, so, after a long time of doing their AWANAS program for kids, and after a few nights of experiencing electronic torture inside the church, we left.I have sent emails to the Diocese of Davenport asking for anything they may know about my targeting, and I never get a single reply, its as if they are waiting for the gates to open up when we can all start talking about this. I expect to hear from them like waiting for Jesus. The difficulty now with being religious is that God and Jesus and all the saints know our thoughts, they are the ultimate mind readers,, but with the medication it doesn't bother me too much. I've recently started going back to a Catholic church in Clinton< Iowa about 20 miles away, seeking first of all forgiveness and guidance. My children still need certain sacraments if we are to stay and not leave this time.
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